i believe in the impossible??

it’s been a long time since my last blog post.

maybe you thought that I really did fall asleep permanently at the end of my last little blurb about my life inside the practice room.

i didn’t.

(duh)

i probably was slightly depressed. but that’s part of life.

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sometimes i just get overwhelmed completely by the sheer retardedness of what i am trying to do.

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“what is that?” you ask.

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only trying to win a permanent tenure track position in a major Canadian orchestra.

with very little experience.

no music school.

and only having picked up the instrument again seriously a little over a year ago.

the odds are similar to trying to win a position in the NHL or NBA.

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then you consider the fact that there are quite a good number of phenomenally experienced and talented orchestral violinists out there who are looking for jobs as well.

juilliard grads…curtis grads…rice grads…not to mention mcGill grads…colburn grads…

there are kids out there who can play circles around me. and the music industry is known for being hard-nosed.

they don’t care about dinky little dreams.

they want to see results.

in the grand scheme of things, i’m a little peanut on the prairies.

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that’s why i put two question marks after my title “i believe in the impossible.”

because sometimes it is a question for me.

“do I still really believe in this?”

“is this stupidity? is this possible?”

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I have to ask those questions.

I have a family. A beautiful wife. A beautiful baby girl.

They’ve got to eat; not to mention me. Families are not fed on dreams.

Dreams are not just born of well wishing and prayers.

They cost thousands upon thousands of dollars, thousands of hours of time, and take years of trying.

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I may not be ready in time to win the Edmonton position. A year may not be long enough to get me to the level of a professional symphony musician. But I have stopped looking at Edmonton as the end of the road. I may have to get another job in the mean time to make ends meet. I may have to get up at 5 AM before going to work another job for a while to keep practicing.

The road doesn’t end at Edmonton.  I would like it to, of course. I would love to win the position.

But the impossible doesn’t always happen right away. It takes a little blood on the fingerboard.

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I believe that with a dream to become a great musician overarching the daily grind of practice, learning to trust, let go, and stop worrying about things that are not mine to worry about; I will become that.

It’s no longer just a dream that gets my heart beating with excitement.

It’s a dream that is being tested by time, by opposition, by hardship.

And I have to ask myself…do I still believe in the impossible?

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Yes.

Yes, I do.